THE ADVOCATE

GWEN

She was glad Judy hadn’t asked her to leave her office rather she had invited her into her office and asked her to wait for her. Sitting in the lobby of Judy’s office, Gwen could see her reflection clearly and it wasn’t pleasing to the eye. The mirror opposite her on the wall didn't lie. She saw the ravaged look in her eyes and her worn out overcoat just hung on her like a sack. She could see the questioning look on people’s faces as they passed her by and for a moment she wondered what her life would have been if she wasn’t smoking but then again smoking was her comfort. She blamed HIM for giving her this kind of life. When she needed love and badly wanted to be rescued, He just sat high up there and allowed it all to happen to her. The memory of the assault was still fresh.

She remembered the first time it happened to her. She was just about to take a shower that evening when he came into her room and told her how beautiful she was.  He told her that no one else would appreciate her beauty the way he did. He told her to take off her towel that he wanted to show her what he meant. He was standing in front of her, caressing her collar bone all the while as he spoke. She was skeptical so she hesitated. She saw the hungry look in his eyes.  It didn’t feel right. That night she was violated. Her father had broken her seal of innocence. He tortured her whenever she ddidn'tlet him have his way and told her that no one would believe her if she said anything. He took her to school and was there waiting for her when she closed. She had no hiding place. He wanted her to caress him , touch him there, kiss him all over and put her tongue in unimaginative places. He gave her first cigarette when she was sixteen. She had fought him so many times and he won every time. He told her vagina was rightfully his and that no one else was to have it. He told her never to reveal their secret to anyone else he would kill her.

Her mother was never always around. She was always somewhere in the world being the bread winner of the family leaving her at home with her father. Whenever her mother was around from one of her trips, there was always a quarrel or the other with her father. Sometimes her mother ended up in the hospital. Everything was so wrong. She had nobody to talk to. She felt like the odd one out everywhere she went so she kept to herself most of the time. She just wanted to be rescued. 

One day, he called her and asked her to sit on his lap. He was watching porn. He put his hand inside her shirt and began to stroke her roughly when he was hard enough he threw her on the hard floor and began to ram himself inside of her. Roughly and painfully.  Her mind went numb. Over the years,  she had  learnt how to lay still and just allow him have his way. She willed herself to go somewhere far away in her mind every time. The characters in the porn video began to do a new style and her father decided that he wanted to join the fun. He removed himself from her vagina and entered into her anus so fiercely that she thought her lungs would fail her before she screamed. He slapped the back of her head and covered her mouth with one hand. He was enjoying himself so much that he didn't hear the front door open. He didn't see her walk in. In a split second, their eyes met. One filled with utter shock and the other filled with fear and pain. The last thing she remembered seeing was her mother on the ground as the darkness in her mind consumed her.

When she opened her eyes, she saw him. She wanted to run away but she was tied to her bed with her legs wide open. He was standing in front of her with a towel. He spoke to her gently. He told her that he just wanted to clean her up. When he had finished, he gave her some pain killers and some sleeping pills. She woke up the next morning feeling numb all over and right there, she wished that she had died in her sleep. That morning, they went to see mother.  They drove in icy silence to the hospital. Her mother had been admitted in the intensive care unit wing in the hospital. As she stood by her mother’s bed, she reached out to touch her and almost immediately her mother opened her eyes. At first she couldn't recognize her and then when she did, her eyes were filled with horror and all of a sudden she was struggling to breathe. Somewhere in the background her father was calling for a nurse. She was still holding her mother’s hand when she died. When she saw the life drain out of her eyes, she placed the hand on her mother’s chest and walked out of all the commotion in a trance. She never went back home again until the day of her mother’s burial.

The memory of her mother’s  burial brought back the cold numbness in her heart she experienced that day as the  undertakers were putting her mother’s coffin in the ground. After the burial, she walked out of the graveyard and into the open arms of the streets of London where her only comfort and escape were found in her packs of cigarettes. And since then she never gave home a backward glance. She had suffered too much for nine years.

She snapped out of her reverie when she felt the tears on her face and like an automated robot she stood up and walked out of the lobby. She started to walk briskly, then she started running like her life depended on it. She ran hoping that the distance would put the memories behind her. She just wanted to forget. She ran until she got was out of breath and then she settled to walking aimlessly till she was hungry for cigarettes. She bought some and sated herself sitting on a street bench. She didn't know why she thought Judy would be able to help her. The streets were always there for her, never judging or asking questions. It was a place for survivors and she would survive no matter what. 

‘how dare you wish for a good life? What got into you? This is the best you will ever be and you have to be grateful for it. Did you see yourself in the mirror? Did you see how ugly you looked? You can never be more.’

‘ I know! You remind me everyday! I am hopeless, used and am lucky to even have some comforts.

 Is it bad that I hoped and wondered how my life would have been if……he didn’t touch me?

By now she was screaming in tears.

‘why me? Why me? I just want to die! But I don’t have the courage to kill myself. I just want to be in peace. He gave me this life! He was there when he defiled me and He did absolutely nothing! I hate that man! I hate them both! I hate them!’

She was on her knees now weeping. ‘ I just want to die!’

‘even death would be too good for you! ‘

She was weeping  silently now, curled up in a ball on the street bench. Suddenly, she coughed and then she was gasping for breath. She couldn't breath.

‘help me….’ She was desperate for air now. She was looking around frantically for help.The street was not a busy street. The few people around were in their shops.

‘help….’ She breathed…. |almost immediately, she fell on the floor clutching her chest. it seemed as if her life force was draining fast.

She felt the touch and heard her yell at someone to stop a cab. Then. all she could think of was how badly she needed to breathe. She desperately wanted to live. She was in a cab now with the owner of the voice.

‘you will be fine Gwen, just breathe… we are almost there’

All she could do was raise her hand to answer.

‘Gwen, take deep breaths, you will be just fine…Lord please breathe into Gwen. Amen.’

She was weak and tired…very tired…she saw herself falling into a black hole. Somewhere in her mind Judy was holding her hand and calling her name.