ONE NIGERIA! THE FIVE FIVE BROUHAHA.

Recently, I boarded a bus with my elder sister from Ogudu to Obalende and it was  a really interesting journey. My sister sat in front beside the driver while I sat inside the bus. The bus we boarded was a big yellow danfo that has five rows of seats inside. The bus like every other danfo bus is meant to seat four people in a row but you know all these conductors and drivers with their gimmicks! They always want to seat five people on a row to make extra money. That's how the conductor began to insist that people sit five five in a row o and then wahala statred!

Conductor: Obalende! Obalede! Obalende! Hold your N100 naira change o, any bustop!

Yours truely rushed into the bus. It was already past 7pm and I needed to get home on time.

 I was about to sit on the extra seat attached to the main seats in the bus, when a passenger behind told me that there was a seat behind.

Passenger 1: madam, there's one seat left here. 

Me: Thank you sir but I'll sit here.(i.e seat attached the one in front of him). Then turning to my soon to be seat mates, 'Please can you adjust for me. Its usually five five they carry. let me just manage till the back is filled then I will pull out this seat'.

They grudgingly shifted and I sat in the little space they created for me, adjusting myself too so that another passenger would be able to squeeze past me to the seat behind.

Conductor: Madam, you dey block road now. Na five five we dey carry. siddon for back. We go stop you for your bus stop!

Me: Conductor, I know. I no fit siddon for back. My leg go dey pain me. That place too tight.

Meanwhile, one passenger had managed to squeeze past me to take the back seat

Passenger1: you can pull out the seat, we are complete. 

I pulled out the seat and sat. Much to my relief, the other passenger in front also pulled out his seat and sat. Then I noticed that there were four people in the row in front of me, my row and the last row. I silently hoped that the conductor would not make a fuss out of the seating arrangement.

Eventually, the bus began to move and the conductor noticing the seating arrangement began to shout. 

Conductor: see na five five o!

Passenger 1:five ke? After collecting N100 naira from us. 

Passenger 2(seated beside Passenger1): all these conductors and drivers are just thieves! mscheew! five ko! five ni!

I wondered why Passenger 2 took the five five seating personal. After all, on their row sat four people. Not wanting to be part of the rukus, I brought out my phone and began to play candy crush soda. In no time, bus got to Iyana Oworo which was the next major bus stop to offload and pick up more passengers.

Conductor: Iyana Oworo?

Some passengers: Owa o!

The driver then made a stop and the two people on my row along with some other people in the bus alighted so I moved over. Then two women and a little boy entered. They sat down beside me. One of the women that sat beside me lapped the boy while the other woman sat on the fourth seat.

Conductor1: Obalende Obalende Obalende! Hold your N100 naira change any bustop!

Woman1: Conductor, five five for where? After you won collect N100 naira?

Passenger one: No mind am! dem just dey behave any how! 

Woman1: Make I see the five five wey go happen. Ole! you won squeeze us for inside here. Make I see how e go happen.

The bus began to move away from the bus stop, then the conductor starts collecting money. 

Conductor: Berger?

Some passengers: Owa!

Conductor: E bole kia kia! Emi ofe waste time ni bus stop eleyi. Oya shap! shap! Afterhere na Obalende straight!

Some passengers  in the bus sighed at his rude remark. Quite a number of passengers alighted at Berger bus stop.Woman1 seized the opportunity and asked her son to take the vacant back seat while Woman 2 relocated to a vacant seat in the row in-front.  

Conductor: Obalende! Obalende! Obalende! Hold your N100 naira change any bus stop!

Some new passengers: N100/ no be N50 naira from Berger?

Conductor: Abeg come down o! Na N100 naira any bus stop I call for you.

Woman 1: Because you know say night don reach na im make you won start to dey cheat people abi? And you still won carry five five.

As she was spoke, a hefty looking man pulls out the attached seat on my row and sits down. 

Conductor; oga1 abeg na five five. abeg seat dey back.

The new passenger just ignores the conductor and resumes eating his  sausage roll.

Conductor: Oga abeg! Come down! You no hear wen I talk say na five five? Abeg come down.

Conductor begins to hit the side of the bus violently attracting the attention other people at the bus stop. By this time, the driver has shut off his engine.

 Driver: Oga abeg come down. We no find your trouble! you hear wen he talk say na five five. Abeg go enta anoda bus.

Some passengers: Driver why you switch off your engine? you no see say night don reach?

woman 1: Driver you sef be theif! you and this your conductor.

Passennger 1: Driver move this bus now. Conductor what do you mean? After collecting N100 from us, you still want us to seat five five! Bloody shetas!(cheaters)

The new passenger just sat there eating his gala despite the ruckus.

Conductor: Oga i dey tell you come down now yio! You jus siddon dere dey chop gala like goat.

The new passenger: na me you dey insult abi? I go slap you now! you father! (with the hand gesture) No worry make we reach obalende I go show you!

Passenger1: Driver! I say move this bus! I am an officer!(He brings out his Id card) .Is it because I did not claim officer when I entered the bus. My friend move this bus!

 By this time, I momentarily suspended to watch the drama.

Woman1: Oga! Tell them! These pipo just dey always feel say dem fit they behave anyhow.

Conductor: Madam, you sef dey talk? shey na lap you lap your pikin before? Why you no lap am again? You go pay for that seat wey he siddon?

Driver: Oga no be by staff anytin! no be by that! He tell you before una enta! no be by force to enta!

The new passenger: Driver, you better respect yourself and move this bus now!

Some other passengers: Driver! she na becos of one person you no go move this bus? 

The new passenger: My name is Admiral. Ask of me wen you reach Obalende! So better respect yoursef!

Passenger 1: 'tion sa. ( recognising the title, he stands up to salute). Reporting for duty sir! I did not see your face well sa.

The new passenger: No problem Officer. When we get to Obalende, we will arrest this guy. They dont know who they are dealing with.

Passenger 1: Yessa!

Woman1: Conductor! Oya give me my N500 make I come down abeg.

She made no move to do so as she spoke

Passenger2: Na so conductor go dey make mouth!Wen we reach Obalende now dem go dey beg!

By this time, yours truely had had it. Passenger1 and passenger2  were begining to sound like a bad record. They sat directly behind me and it was like they were shouting directly in my ear while Woman1 was busy raining insults on the conductor.  Meanwhile, the new passenger began to speak with someone on the phone. Just then the driver starts the bus and screeched out of Berger bus stop!

The new passenger: Hello. Who dey station? Mobilize na na na na na! Meet me for Obalende on top bridge wey dey come from mainland! We get one stubborn driver and one useless conductor for here.

The girl on my other side: Sister don't mind him. (she does the yimu sign towards him) daz's how they will be making noise! Mscheew. 

Passenger1: Oga abeg, make we use mouth for dem. You no say dem be small boys. Maybe dem borrow the motto make dem make shap shap money na why dem dey misbehave.

The new Passenger: Make we reach station first!

Passenger2: Officer! Leave am. He go no say he carry officers today! She na bcos we no wear uniform or call staff for am wen we enter the bus?

Me: Madam, you paid for two seats and now your son is sitting on a seat that someone else should be sitting on. Its not nice after all. You heard when the conductor called N100 and said it was five five. Even if we wont sit five five, at least carry your son! Its not right.

Woman1:Madam, shuu! wetin be your own? Anyway no be wetin we dey shout for be dat . I poposely telld my son make im siddon bcos  normally the conductor supposed to collect N50 from iyana Oworo to Obalende.

Me: really? Is it N50 from there? I always enter for N100 o and buses like this carry five five! Except they loaded from garage! but madam, you suppose don price the conductor before you pay or even siddon. I jus dey talk my own. No be fight abeg.

Passenger3(sitting directly in front of me); Na true madam. E no good. Carry your son! Afterall there was still seat when you entered the bus and you no tell the conductor say you go pay N50. You cannot just be taking advantage of the situation.

Passenger 4(sitting directly behind the driver): Madam, why are you causing commotion! Oga sirs, we all know that these types of buses carry five five and its not so bad if we adjust well bcos space dey!.

Some other passengers: Driver! Small small o! You carry pipo for back abeg!

After seeing the near brush our bus almost had with another car, I begin to chant 'Blood of Jesus! Blood of Jesus!' in my mind.

Passenger1 & 2: My friend sit down there! We should all be supporting ourselves.

Passenger5(sitting by the window infront of me): Yes o! As if its not for the good of us! And some people are busy supporting them! This same people that rip us off!

Woman1: Abi na! We are one Ni-je-ria  ('Nigeria'). Nkan ti some people she ninu bus eleyi koda now! At-liz (Atleast) let us speak with one voice. We should be hepin awasef (  'ourself' and 'helping')

Despite my initial fear, I couldn't help the euphoria of laughter that bubbled up inside me! In other words, laff won kill me die!( at this point I wish I could use smileys).

Passenger2: Driver! Wetin dey worry you now? You don dey craze abi? You no no say na third mainland bridge you dey so? God punish your father! ( with the hand gesture nearly slapping the back of my head in the process).

Driver(facing back now): Madam! Officer abi wetin you call Ysef! (yourself) God punish your generation! You dey craze! Why you no come drive this bus for me? Nonsense!

Me: Driver abeg face front o! I take God beg you! Take am easy! You no say na full speed you dey go so? Abeg.

Driver: Madam no vex! I don vex!

Conductor: Madam! You just dey shout since why you no go drive for am?

Woman1: Gbe enu e dake jare! Olori buruku osi! Omo jatititi! Omo ale! baxta! (bastard)

Me: madam take it easy! (talking loudly now). Madam shebi you were busy shouting one Nigeria just now. Will you like this bus to have an accident because you want to claim right! (turning to passenger2) Madam, its ok. Stop Insulting the driver let him concentrate and take us to our destination safely, please.

Passenger2: Cant you hear him abusing me too? 

Me: See ehn...I am not supporting anybody but you started it. 

Passenger5: Why are you supporting them sef? Whats you own? Cant we caution the driver if he is driving roughly? Mscheew.

M<e: Madam, if the driver cannot concentrate how will he drive well? When we reach Obalende, let the people that want to take justice take justice but meanwhile let us allow him to concentrate. You can see that the more you abuse him the roughly he drives.

By this time Woman1, Passenger2 and Passenger5 were quiet along with the rest of the people in the bus.

Passenger1: Madam, there is no need to panic! Our lives are not in his hands. Our lives are in Gods hands. We will reach our destination safely.

Me: Amen o! That is why as children of God, even though we need to stand up for what is right, we need to apply wisdom too. There is no point in driving the driver crazy and expecting him to drive well.

Some passengers: its true...

Driver: Sister taink you. God bless you.

Me: Driver! Abeg do small small biko (used the igbo word for 'please' having sensed his intonation)

Gently, the driver reduced his speed and the bus seemed quiet until one Nijeria woman spoke again.

Woman1: Mscheeeeeeew. hmmmm. Awon eleyi ko mo nkan kan!

Passenger1: Madam issokae nau!

Woman1: I call anybody name? Mscheew!

After her outburst, nobody else spoke. It seemed the earlier arguments had drained us all. We arrived Obalende with no more hassles or arguments. Plus, nobody arranged anybody to arrest anyone. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief happy to have arrived at  Obalende safely. 

GOD BLESS NIGERIA!!!!